"only child"

Before I say anything I'd like to say that I am the only offspring of my parents and everything I say here is my personal opinion and people may not agree with me but its just something that I have wanted to share for a while now..

Now before any one of you start thinking what a selfless "only child" you were, or start agreeing with the disgustingly selfish "only child" you knew in school, I'd like to say that I'm talking about something that is relative. I mean everyone is selfish to a slight extent. We do think about ourselves a lot and what we like and don't like. So everyone's entitled to be a little selfish. But what I'm talking about here is the way the "only child" views things. That I think is a personal trait and I know many kids who have siblings but are known to be more demanding than others. But when you have one child the kid grows up being a little bit more possessive about his/ her things than the other kids around. I'll tell you a little incident about myself and how I learnt to recognize the possessive streak in me. This was the time when I was at college. My Dad told me that my cousin Bev was going to be living with us because her parents were having time out from each other and they couldnt handle their children. Both my parents were in praises about how lovely it was going to be to have a little sister around. How they were SO WRONG!! You see all my life I have had my parents all to myself and for the strangest reasons took an instant dislike to this intruder whom I hardly talked too or knew for that matter. For the next couple of months all I heard was Bev did this and Bev did that and how well she behaved and how great she was. And I hated her more everyday and did my best not to talk to her or even make eye contact! One day I was annoying my dad so much he actually got Bev on his knee and just said "Bev your like my little girl!" WHAT!!!! I nearly had a heart attack... I actually attacked her and told her that my dad was not her dad and she was to back off!!! Remember this girl was like only 5 when she lived with us... I was at least 12! I was so ashamed of myself for being real mean to her all she wanted was a older sister to look up to.... And looking back I remember how awful I was.
But where do you draw the line for only childs? I had to when I came to New Zealand. I tell you it wasnt easy at first. Letting my boyfriend get close to MY parents.. Shesh I thought loads of things which werent true at all but I just realised it reminded me of when I had to share my parents with my cousin. I wasnt at all ready...
But I had to cross that boundary, that hurdle to get to this point. And I have always blamed my inability to share my parents easily on being an "only child".I think being an "only child" gives you the impression that certain things belong to you. It makes one a little bit more possessive about things, about people, than anyone else. I try my hardest to be a little less possessive about the people I love. But it is a habit that is difficult to unlearn. I still get mad when people borrow books, CDs, DVDs and then just "forget" to return them. I don't mind lending them as long as people give it back to me and I can put things where they belong. Everyone thinks I'm too possessive about everything (which includes him) and is always teasing me about being a "spoilt child". Well may be that is true. Just a little bit. But don't ever tell him that I said that.The other thing that bothers me about people having single childs these days is that it takes away some beautiful relations that we were fortunate to have in our lives. I grew up basking in the affection of my parents and other close relatives. I never had grandparents because they were all dead before i could really get to know them! Thank goodness my parents had multiple brothers and sisters. I am blessed because I think in a way I didnt have a wonderful childhood as I would have wanted. But it makes up for it now because as I got older my life became more wonderful from a teenager till now! I always wanted a sibling or loads of brothers, like my other friends. Someone I could share my life with. Someone to stick up for me other than my parents!!!
I could of had a brother but he passed away before i was born. In a way I am sad but happy at the same time because I got my way and everything I asked for! haha I know I might sound a tad selfish but I enjoy the fact that my parents fuss over me.. I wouldnt have it any other way but maybe just a little less fussing over me might of helped me not go through so many tough times getting over my selfish and only child syndrome ways....

Ah well I know I turned out a little crazy. A little bit possessive about the people I love and care for... But whattodo. I blame it on being an "only child".

Dont get left behind!

Its something that is controlling me and I cant find myself again. All I am seeing is lies and insecure things all around me.
Its confusing to know what is real these days. Are people really hurting? People falling to the ground trying to find themselves... People trying to be accepted by this world but no one cares. No one is looking or seeking for any attention anywhere.
Wounded and Torn from the truth.
The end is so near yet they blindly dont see whats in front of them. Turning their backs on this world. I dont blame them.
You see it all around you weather your near or far. Cries are getting louder and louder. Blood is dripping every second. Innocent lives are taken away. All because of the lust of Power.

Staring through your re-view.

Multiple gun shots people dont stop.. They stopped caring in this world. I will never understand what this society is all about. First they try to lie to me.
Where always staring through our re-view mirror. I feel like screaming to God can he hear me?
Those words always are captured in alot of people minds.

Now you see them now your dont. Some people are there for a moment and then there gone!

If it dont at all make any sense then thats good because most people here try to make sense half the time and really its for a load of reasons why this is called a Blog..

Not writing made me realise how much there is more to life then just sitting here sharing my thoughts and feelings with you. I know its always good to catch up on alot of other peoples lives and to others its just a way of expression or a way of off loading.

For me I guess its a bit of both.

But just for the record. I'm slowly over the fact that my cousins dead but the memories will always be there. I can't just get on with life and forget about the life that once was walking on this earth. Its still there but I know I'll see him again.

Its very reassuring that I am going to see him again. Some people dont get that opportunity of seeing your loved one again.

So for Christians I guess its a bonus and a privledge to know and have peace that your gna see them again if they were saved from destruction and a life ruined by fire and pain!

Getting back to my main point. People always tend to look back and see whats around the corner or be intrested in whats walking behind you. Its a human thing I guess and everyone does it. You'd be stupid if u didnt because not being cautious about that you can't dictate what's going to happen to you. You could be taken in a split second.

So why am i ranting on about all this. Its fair to say that my mind escapes from time to time. Going to a hidden place where no one knows about. Its a place where either things make sense and are exciting and lovely or its things that work in rhymes and riddles. I'm trying to figure it all out but then it just more or less blows up in my face. Ever felt like that?

Understand a human mind can be tiring and understanding why you get into debating, insensitive moods about the most ridiculous things. Did you ever wonder and think why you react the way you do towards people? Or actually know why you became angry for no apparent reason. Can you truly understand yourself at all when you think a nasty thought about someone and it goes in your head round and round again because you have not delt with it in the first place.

What really gets to me is that people have a problem yet they dont admit it and deal with it. They always take the long way around about it all. Thats by getting in a mood with you. They have the audacity to treat you like a person that has some kind of skin disease and despise you in everyway. I know from both angles how that feels. I bet alot of people can relate to that. Its human nature. The jealousy kicks in and the protectiveness of our nature will always be there.

We all have feelings as people. God gave that to all of us. Feelings of being loved, being accepted, being happy and being sad. I am just using a few examples at the moment. But you see we dont like being hurt. We may read into things to much and its not at all how we imagined it to be. We may have been hurt by rejection. But really thats no excuse to treat anyone like shit! (excuse my french!) You know the deal.

I've just been thinking alot lately on how do I treat people? How am I affected my by moods? What kind of person am I shaping into? That is the question to all of us. Don't let our pride or arrogance get in the way of our lifes shaping in a good way or bad for that matter.
Get yourself sorted. ( I am always doing that haha!!!) But really seek help if your always in doubt of people or you dont trust them. Sort it out because I'm telling ya.. It will be so much harder to change your habbits when you get older.

But your not that stupid because you know when your addicted or love something more than God you dont just keep doing it. You try to change. Well try harder is my challenge to all of us. If your thinking "ah God will take it away". Then your still a bit in fairyland. He will take it away but with your help you can make the process alot faster than just asking God to do all your dirty work. You have to be willing to accept there is pain and know that your shaping into something that will be over it or will feed the cause.

I thought about it.. Why would someone marry you if you have all this baggage and your moody and your never pleased about anything? Gosh you would be a right B#$*@! aye? Not good. For girls guys would leave ya in a sec. Don't let pain shape your life! It's not worth it in the end you and maybe that person you were close to would be ruined. But I am sure you will have that chance to make it right.

Thats all really. My thoughts of today....

A Walking Miracle..... Dedicated to my couz Hona!!

(This picture is of my Cousin Hona a day before he died!!!!)

This is yet another sad easter time that I have had to go through. But the healing is getting better. My cousin Hona died on the 13th April 2006 3:35am in the morning. It was a terrible morning because we had all the family staying over there. Because his parents were not to sure how long he would last. But I am just thankful that I got to spend a few days there seeing him not at his best but just holding his hand while he suffers breathing through the oxygen.
It was the most painfullest feeling ever knowing that someone so close and dear to you was going to die any day now.
I was really hurt and angry at God at first because I learnt in Kings Church that if u ask God for anything in his name and he will grant the request... Well I asked him to heal him and it obviously wasn't Gods wish. Then I think well maybe I didnt have enough faith..
So many thoughts going inside my head I am thinking what is the point in praying???
A few nights back before I went to spend the last 2 days with my family and Hona.. I couldnt sleep at all.. I kept tossing and turning every night.. This has gone on for the past week now.. It was only last night that I really got a good night sleep without waking up screaming and crying....
It's like I cant really let go and I know I have to but it hurts so much and I still think that God could raise him from the dead and I sometimes want to just have that faith but people have been telling me to just let go...
I really am trying and it just upsets me.. He was like a brother to me and its like I missed out 3 years while I was away and in some way I regret not spending more time with him.



Its just painful and I am still hurting loads. I mean my wish was that he might of been able to at least have a normal life on earth but he didnt get that chance.
He was so talented in so many ways and I know that God appointed him on this earth for a period of time. I guess I am just selfish and I wanted more for him and wanted him here with us.
He was the only christian that I knew that lived it to the fullest. Because of his sickness he didnt do half the things that I know I have done and others.. But he was the only one I knew that never touched alcohol,drugs, never got into fights and always praised God for his sickness..
Thats why its so painful he was so positive in so many ways and never let his sickness get the better of him...

I just wish sometimes that I could just be in heaven right now.. No more pain and suffering. It just makes sense. Ive had enough of this world.. Its nothing but corruption and disaster here on this earth.
I am probably sounding a bit depressing but I dont care. Im writing the story here and I just feel so bummed that my cousin has gone.
I know I should be praising God but its hard to. Its so hard. You have no idea loosing someone so close is just so hard to accept. But I got to and Im trying..
I miss him so much just thinking about him makes me cry. The last words I said to him was "couz you better not die on my birthday!" Im glad he didnt. But I did feel it the next day due to my birthday being on the 14th!! Ah not much of a birthday I might add. But I didnt feel like celebrating it because of my cousins death!!



You know.. That is the 3rd person who has died around my birthday.. It really sucks because each time my birthday comes up thats all I am left thinking about the death of my loved ones... Gutting aye? I think so... Would of been nice born maybe later on I reckon!

I forgot to tell you that when he was born the doctor only gave him 2 weeks to live and 21 years later he was still alive! I think I can say praise God to that!
Its just to hard.. I still cant really believe that he is dead really. Just to see his smiley face whenever I sore him and his laugh will always be in my head.. He was a great guy.. I dunno if I ever told you what he did for me when I came back to New Zealand the first year I was in England.
My cousins wanted to go out clubbing and that was my weakness when I was in my teens. Then he told my dad and mum to let me go (even tho i was at the right age!!) to let me go and he would look after me!!! He was half my size probably even smaller and he was real protective of me. He was definately my strength and he stuck with me the whole night. What a star.. He always looked out for our own good and always wanted the best for me and his sisters... He was very picky when they got b/f and when I told him about Alex... He just wanted to know if he treated me good and was a christian.. So Alex passed in that!!! But he just was so sweet.. In alot of ways I really thought about it and pretty much what Alex is good at he was... So I dont know its kinda comforting that in some things Alex does reminds me of him....



Please pray for the family.. Because my cousins are taking it real bad (his sisters!!) and especially his parents!! They lost their older daughter at the age of 7yrs. So history repeated itself!!!


Also pray for me as well that in due time we will not only get on with life but accept that Hona is not apart of it here on this earth anymore.. I look forward to heaven!! I really do..
Thanks for listening to my thoughts..
My cousins names are Maiaa, Becky, Ruth and Shayna... and my Uncle Johnny and Aunty Josie!!! Thanks.. I am sure they will appreciate your prayers as I know I will.....


Cousin... I will never forget how amazing you were as a cousin,brother as well as a friend! You always made things better with your wisdom and knowledge you had for such a young age. You really inspired me to go on with God and always kept me believing that God would heal you.. I know you are in a better place now but I really miss you and I think of you always.... Until I see you in heaven.. Say hello to tasha, nicky and the rest of the family!!! Love you always your other sis Bianca xxx

Taupo (NZ Lake!!)

Hey guys well this was the Huka Falls.... Taupo's amazing rapids and waterfall... It was really cool seeing this sight again after so many years.. The speed this river was going was just un believeable.. It looks amazing when u watch the water go extremely fast. Makes your heart beat fast and wish you where going with the rapids... Ah its amazing you gotta see it to appreciate it!!



Well this is the famous Alex.. Dont he look good? It wasnt too bad although we were trying to not get caught in th rain it was off and on and very annoying because one minute we were cold then the next it was like summer.. It was almost like real typical English weather.. I guess God was making it more easier for Alex to enjoy so at least he could feel kinda home on his birthday... hahaha... But it was fun and we got some good weather to enjoy parts of the day...


This is random.. We were looking at the hottest spot in Taupo which was the very long walk around the park... With loads of steam coming from the ground and I just happened to see this rainbow in the sky and thought I'd take a pic of it... It was really bright the colours and the rainbow looked really cool....




The end of the Huka Falls... Aint it pretty? The water looked so inviting.. Yet I bet it was as cold as ICE..... hmmm

Smile....

Well what can I say... I have recovered from my sickness. Oh it was horrid... Countless nights of throwing up, coughing and headaches.. I have just figured out part of it has to do with my eye sight. I have been straining my eyes when watching tv, chatting on msn (i didnt say that!)
and reading without my glasses. Oh they are so annoying glasses but I guess if you want your sight to see better then I guess you gotta wear the nerdy things.
Well I dunno why I titled this smile... But I know we need alot of it once and a while. The pic really has nothing to represent what I am blabbing on about but the fact that I had this mud mask on... I actually think it makes me look better. hahaha
anyways... Im still in no work which kinda sucks... There is so much plans that I have to put into consideration... But I have my options which is a good thing.
One thing that I have realised is that I am pretty immature at times hahaahaha
But I have only discovered it now hahaha well not really I thought I could blame it all on the OCS (only child syndrome!) But to my surprise I should be out of that by now since I am going to be 24 OH MY WORD!!!! Scary thought aye?
Anyways hope all is well.. Sorry I aint updated in a while...
Love ya loads hope all is well....
Always B xxxx
ps: we have a mega mix style coming up would really appreciate it if ya'll can pray for me and alex in leading it... Should be fun.. We have loads of fun and getting messy games for them...
cya laters...........
ps: can someone tell Brettio and Abs I said hello and that I miss them loads and loads!!!!!
Cheers!!!!
pps: still missing you all as well... I hope things are well for you all in lil ole Horsham...
Hey check out my new babies... They are so cute and funny and great fun... The one on the left (ginger mix) That is "JAZZ" and the brown one is "JEREMY"
Aww how cute aye???

One more thing I thought I might as well add this lil bonus of the sun setting in my town in OTAKI... Me and Alex were on the beach looking for treasures and I captured this amazing sunset... Enjoy... `this was for your Hat! xx :o)`

This was at manga something LOL But it was really cool to see the sites.... ( North Island!)